December 2010
I've Seen It All
Björk
Björk & Thom Yorke
“I’ve Seen It All”
From Selmasongs: Dancer In the Dark
“
THE HANDY GUIDE TO NOT RAPING PEOPLE IN SEVEN EASY STEPS
1. When you meet a girl who doesn’t want to have sex with you, don’t have sex with her.
2. When you meet a girl who wants to have sex with one of your friends, remember the golden rule: You Are A Different Person To Your Friends. Maybe this handy mnemonic can help: Yentl Acted As Ducks Probed Three Yucky Frenchmen. This will help you remember that a girl who wants to have sex with one person does not necessarily want to have sex with every person she meets. Confusing, I know; what can I say - political correctness, etc.
3. If you meet a girl who DOES want to have sex with you, but then a bit later she says she’d rather not, don’t have sex with her. Again, pretty confusing, I know, but it’s due to a special Scientific Fact: sometimes girls change their minds. Like, remember the time you wanted a kebab, but then you thought no, I’ll have a hamburger instead? It’s a bit like that, only with sex.
4. When you meet a girl who is unconscious, don’t have sex with her. This is true even if she was drinking before. I may be delving into some fairly arcane theory here, but scientists have discovered there is actually technically a difference between “drinking a lot of alcohol” and “saying yes I want to have sex with you”. I realise this difference is probably hard to spot for a lot of you guys; you might have to squint a bit.
5. When you go home with a girl, try not to have sex with her until after she says she’d like to.
6. Practise not having sex with people. I know it’s hard - sometimes you just look down and it’s like, whoops, I’m having sex with this girl, how did that happen? But I bet with a bit of concentration and discipline, you can actually manage to avoid having sex with someone, even when they’re in the same room as you. It’s true! Anyone can do it! Why, last week I met at least five women who I actually didn’t have sex with, without causing myself any particularly severe internal injuries.
7. When you meet a girl who doesn’t want to have sex with you, don’t have sex with her. I realise I already said this one, but that was five steps ago, and I have a feeling some of you guys might have slightly short attention spans.
” —Ben Pobjie: The Handy Guide to Not Raping People (via monkeytypist)
FP: now replace “girl” with “person” and you’re good to go.
(via feministpizza)
Five College joke heard at a party
- Joke Teller: How many Amherst students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Clueless Recipients: I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY
- Joke Teller: One to screw it in and a hundred to revolve around him.
- Clueless Recipients: LOL
- Joke Teller: How many Hampshire students does it take to screw in a light bulb? What? You want a light?
- Clueless Recipients: Harhar, oh those Hampshire stoners.
- Joke Teller: How many UMass students does it take to screw in a light bulb? ..... Is this going to be on the test?
- Clueless Recipients: Pity on those inferior public university children!
- Joke Teller: How many Mount Holyoke students does it take to screw in a light bulb? ..... Oh daddy had a man for that!
- Clueless Recipients: Hahahaha, those stuck up MoHoes.
- Joke Teller: How many Smithies does it take to screw in a light bulb? .... That's not funny.
- Clueless Recipients: FUCK YEAH SMITH!
“Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known.”
—A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh (via liquidnight)
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